I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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