It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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