just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
