Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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