i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
