i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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