just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
