God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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