Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
