i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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