She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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