He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
