Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
