you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
