So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize