if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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