I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
