He disabled his match.com account in front of me
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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