FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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