You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
