Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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