The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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