i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
