Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
