Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
