Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
