Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
