Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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