I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
