Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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