I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
