You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
