Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
