I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I need moral support for this bender
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
