I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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