Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Small penises have feelings too.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
