I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
