Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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