She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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