How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
