i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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