i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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