I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
