made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
