Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
BRING THE BAGELS
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
