I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
