My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
