I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
