I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
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I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
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Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize