We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
