Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
