the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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