I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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