i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
