I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
