Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
