Me too!
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
